Comprehension
by Mycroft R Holmes
Summary: Dad thinks he's found a way to fix Dean. Sam's not quite sure he understands. (Young FTM!Dean is offered a way to change his brain so that he's cisgendered. He's not as excited as John expected.)


Written for transficfest, for prompt 27: "A trans* character is offered a way to become cis, either by changing their body to match their identity or their identity to match their body. (It'd probably work best in a fandom with supernatural elements or some kind of supernatural AU.) "

I wish to make clear that the views of the characters - even the viewpoint character - are not my own, and are in fact both transphobic and sexist. Conflating gender with gender role is the least of it.

* * *

Sam has no idea what's going on at first. Dad bursts in through the door, a grin on his face like Sam hasn't seen in ages. Dean stands when he enters, as usual, and Dad goes to him at a pace slightly faster than a walk.

"I've found someone who can help, Dean."

Dean clearly doesn't know what's going on either. "Help?"

"With your problem. The gender stuff. He can help."

Dean doesn't even bother getting excited. They've gone down this road plenty of times before. "He can fix me?"

"According to Bobby's contacts, yes. This one really can, Dean. This isn't like the others. He's in Portland. I finished up with this case on the way back. We're leaving in the morning."

Dad's never believed it this thoroughly before. They've never all packed up and left for this. Dean gets a tiny, desperate light in the back of his eyes. "How?"

Dad gestures for Dean to sit on the bed, then kneels in front of him, places a hand on his shoulder. Sam can't remember the last time he did that, either. "They can't change your body, Dean. There isn't any way without using black magic that I'm not okay with exposing you to. But Bobby's found someone who can fix your brain."

Dean's eyebrows pull together. He leans back a little. Sam glances rapidly between them. He still doesn't understand what Dad's saying.

"Your brain doesn't go with your body. We can't fix your body, but we can give you the right brain. This person, his kid used to be like you. But he found a way to fix it. Now he's normal. He can help you, Dean. He can bring back Deanna."

Dean is quiet. He nods, slowly.

Dad smiles at him and stands. "We're leaving at seven. Pack up tonight. See you in the morning."

He turns and leaves.

Sam looks at Dean, who's still sitting, frozen, on the bed where Dad left him. He thinks maybe Dean is the one who doesn't understand now.

Sam has watched Dean hurt for so long. Watched his shoulders shake at night - not crying, just... shaking... Watched his eyes dull when someone calls him 'she'. Watched his fear and anger when Sam sees him before he has his chest tied up. Watched him losing hope each time Dad comes back with another name of someone who can help and it falls through, each time.

This person, whoever it is, can make Dean stop hurting. Sam's still not quite clear on exactly what he's going to do, but he gets that part.

"Dean?"

Dean blinks and turns his head a few inches. He's still not looking at Sam, but he's acknowledging his presence, at least.

"Did you hear what Dad said?"

"Yeah."

"He can make you okay."

"Yeah."

They both stop talking for a few minutes. Sam's not sure why Dean isn't excited, but thinks maybe it's shock. He stands up and starts packing up his stuff. "Do you want me to pack for you?"

Dean shakes his head. About five minutes later, after Sam's mostly finished (they'd only been here a week, he'd never really bothered unpacking in the first place) he finally shifts on the bed and looks fully up at Sam. Sam turns to him.

"They can make me okay."

Dean's face is starting to change slowly from the blankness he's been wearing - that Sam is getting more and more used to, these days - to something a little more wild. Sam nods rapidly, his eyes wide. Dean's finally getting it.

"They can make me okay."

Dean breaks into a mad smile, like when he's killing something that needs killed, and he jumps up and lifts Sam into a hug like a frickin' romance movie. He speaks into Sam's neck.

"They can make me okay."

* * *

The next morning, they're up at six, showered and dressed with their stuff by the door at six thirty, in the car at seven, on the way to Portland. It'll be about ten hours driving from where they are outside Helena, Montana. Sam gets the map. He's better at navigation than either of the others, and their route is fairly complicated. As a side-benefit, that means Sam gets shotgun, and Dean is stuck in the back. (Also Sam gets to decide where they stop to eat. He's pretty fond of that perk.)

Dean's relatively quiet for the first several hours - not silent, because you really can't be stuck in a car that long and not say anything at all, but quiet. They don't talk about the reason they're making the trip until they're going through Spokane and Sam has directed them off the interstate to a Subway. (He'd tried for Taaj Indian Cuisine, but apparently having the map can only take you so far.)

Dad brings it up as they're sitting at the table. "The person's name is Edward Talbot. His kid, Alex, was like you - his brain was mixed up, he was calling himself Abby. But he had a lot of money and he spent all of it to find this object. It's from China, apparently. Ancient. And it fixed his son. It works the other way around just as well. On girls and boys. Bobby's contacted him and he says the guy's agreed to let us use it."

Dean stares at the sandwich in his hands (Philly Cheesesteak). "How does it work?"

"It's a metal talisman on a chain. You just put it on, there's a flash of light, and you take it off. After a few days you wake up normal. It adjusts your brain to how it ought to be, so it matches up with the rest of you. Painless, safe, efficient."

Dean nods and takes the last large bite.

"What are we waiting for?"

* * *

Dean's been talking, excited, since then, and Sam's happy because Dean is and Dean isn't happy often enough. Dad's talking about what they'll do after Dean's fixed - about how he won't have to wear the thing on his chest anymore, and they can maybe even get him some actual skirts, not too many because they're not good for hunting, but having a girl along will be handy for covers. Dean doesn't really respond to any of that stuff, but he does talk about everything else under the sun - Star Wars, the next hunt, his new gun, how hot Texas is. Sam talks to both of them, to Dad about how, yes, it'll be kind of weird to see Dean - Deanna? - wearing makeup, and to Dean about how, yes, they should figure out what was going on with Lorena Bobbitt if another hunter's not on that already, back to Dad saying maybe Dean will get a boyfriend once he stops looking so dykey, just as Dean starts talking about how hot Sarah Michelle Gellar is on that soap.

Now they're finally there. It's not a very big house, but it's a lot nicer than a hunter's. If this person spent all of his money looking for the thing he must have had an awful lot before. They pull into the driveway and scare a cat. Sam wonders what it would be like to have a cat. Not as good as a dog, he bets, but way better than that hermit crab he won at school and tried to take around in the car in its little carry-tank.

Dean's gone suddenly silent in the back. Dad has too, at that. They're all just sort of sitting rigid in their seats. Dad reaches slowly down from the steering wheel to turn the key. The heat makes a quiet noise as it shuts off. Sam can feel the cold starting to soak in through the metal door already when a man looks out through the curtains in a window and then comes out the front door. Dad comes back to life and gets out of the car, nodding for Sam and Dean to get out too. They meet on the front porch.

"You're John, yes? And you must be - " he looks at Dean " - Deanna."

He has a British accent. Dean nods but doesn't answer.

A kid creeps out the door and the man grips his shoulder, making deep wrinkles in his shirt. "This is Alexander, and I'm Edward Talbot. Nice to meet you." Alex waves at them half-heartedly. "If you'd like to come in to the front room and make yourselves comfortable, I'll retrieve the talisman."

They all follow him in, through the front hall into a living room with a little too much… money. Sam doesn't really want to sit down on the furniture. He can see by the way Dad and Dean are shuffling a bit and jumping their eyes around the room like they're looking for something a little less dry-clean-only that they're having the same problem. Mr. Talbot gestures them towards a sofa and a pair of armchairs and makes to leave with Alex.

"Um, would it be okay if I talked to Alexander, sir?"

Mr. Talbot's eyebrows pull in a little at Dean's question, but then he smiles. Sam doesn't like the smile very much. He's seen better on skeletons. And the skeletons were trying to kill him at the time.

"Of course. Alexander, if you wouldn't mind?"

Alex looks at his father for a second, nods, and turns to Dean and nods again.

"Excellent. I'll be back in a few minutes."

He turns and leaves the room. Sam sits on the sofa with Dad - on the very front edge, not leaning back, being very careful with his feet and the Oriental rug - and Dean and Alex go to the other side of the room and start to talk quietly. Sam can't hear anything they're saying. Dad's watching them but turns his head away and rests his elbows on his knees when Dean looks at him.

Mr. Talbot comes back after a few minutes, like he said, carrying a heavy-looking over-decorated metal circle on a chain. He's wearing gloves.

"Shall we get it over with, then, Deanna?"

Dean stares at him from where he's turned away from Alex. Alex glances back and forth between them, his shoulders hunched as they have been since Sam first saw him.

"I - I'd like to do it privately, with just Sam and my father. If that's okay?"

It doesn't look like Mr. Talbot thinks that's okay at all, but he nods, beckons Alex, and leads him out with a heavy hand on his shoulder. The talisman he places carefully on a table by the entrance.

Dean walks over and picks it up, holding it by the chain. His head is down as he watches it spin, and he reaches a finger out towards it, but doesn't quite touch it. Dad clears his throat and stands.

"Are you ready, Dean?"

Dean's still turned away from them, and he doesn't turn around to answer Dad, or when Sam comes over too. Dad puts a hand on Dean's shoulder and waits a moment before tugging gently. Dean turns slowly and looks up at him.

"I don't think I want to do this."

"What?"

"I don't think I want to put it on."

"What - Dean, this is what we've been looking for! Do you have any idea what we had to agree to trade for this opportunity - "

"No. Dad, this isn't what we were looking for. This is the exact opposite."

Dad looks bewildered. "Why would you not want this? To finally feel better?"

A deep breath. "If I did this... I don't know who you'd get afterwards, but it wouldn't be me. It'd be someone else standing in my shoes. You said he could bring back Deanna, but there's never been a Deanna, Dad. There's just me. And if I were a girl, I wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be the person who taught Sam the right noises to make for the green army guys, or the one who saved you from that chupacabra when I was seven and could barely hold the shotgun. It's part of who I am and who I've always been. If you change that - you might as well just adopt a shifter, Dad, 'cause that's basically what you'd be getting."

Their father still looks like he's got no idea what's happening, but Sam gets it, now. He reaches out and takes the chain out of Dean's hand and lays it back down on the table.

"Come on, Dad. We should find a motel for the night. I saw something in the paper at the 7-11 earlier that I think might be a job."

He grabs on to Dad's arm and starts leading him out. They pass Alex and Mr. Talbot in the hall. Sam says "Thank you, sir, but we won't be needing your services," and escorts his family past them. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Alex give them his first smile since they got here.

They're almost to the car when Dad finally takes his arm back. He gets into the front seat and starts the car without saying a word, leaving Sam and Dean standing outside.

"I think I understand now. And I've been wondering, maybe we're on the wrong track on this one. If nothing supernatural will help, maybe we should check out what normal people do."

Dean smiles at him. It's not wild or manic. It's just happy. "Maybe you're right." He smirks and dodges towards the car. "Shotgun!"

Sam rolls his eyes but hollers back "Assault rifle!" as he pulls the back door of the Impala open and slides in.

* * *

Author's Notes:

This is set in 1994, when (if I'm counting correctly) Dean should be about 15 and Sam and Bela should both be about 11. As the previous note suggests, 'Alex' is, in fact, Bela. Her father is named for the historical figure Edward Talbot, who some speculate was the inspiration for Bela's last name. In this 'verse, Bela's father abused her in part because of his own transphobia. I haven't decided, but it's possible that this actually is canon-compatible: the talisman's effects are only temporary and she will go back to being Bela in a few years and make a deal to kill her parents when her father reacts negatively.

I mapped everything very carefully but only using modern maps, so I assume things aren't historically accurate on that front. However, on modern roads, it's ten hours from slightly north of Helena to Portland, Spokane is several hours along the trip, and right off the road you take through Spokane are both a Subway and Taaj Indian Cuisine.

Lorena Bobbitt removed her husband's penis in 1993 and was acquitted in early 1994 for reasons of insanity (probably not monster-related, Dean's on the wrong track on that one). Sarah Michelle Gellar was on "All My Children" in 1994. The 1967 Chevy Impala had a built-in heating system but no AC. Though Subway does make Philly Cheesesteak sandwiches, I couldn't find out if they made them in 1994.


End file.
